Emotion Without an Immediate Cause
On feelings that arrive years later
The other day, I felt emotional for no real reason.
I had no immediate sense of what might have caused it. It arrived without warning, and I decided to let it linger. To try to understand it.
I examined the immediate possibilities. Work, wife, kids… But none of those fit. They didn’t feel correct. I checked recent events, but nothing came to mind.
I double checked. Triple checked.
Nope, none of those fit.
I decided to let this emotion linger. I didn’t want to push it away, as this felt important.
So I went home and decided to talk with my wife about it.
At first, as I started explaining, I inadvertently implied that my wife or my family would be the cause.
I had to pause and make it clear that this wasn’t about her or us.
Then we got on the right track with this conversation. I started to talk about how it came on, which was a very ordinary moment, just before leaving work.
Then I started talking to her about what I had been doing earlier, where I had been thinking about my past. I felt a bit exhausted by the sheer amount of adaptation I’ve done over the years.
That’s when my wife suggested I might be mourning my past. Because it would fit, given how she knows I have been moving through life.
That made me think… and realize it might be it.
I can’t be fully certain, because I can’t really pinpoint which past event I was mourning.
There was no single moment that I could revisit. No clear version of myself I could point to and say, that one.
I’ve been good at adapting, stepping into what is required next. To become a new version of myself that fits the new circumstances. I never lingered longer than necessary. I usually don’t look back unless there is a reason.
That might be why this emotion arrived without context. Not because it belonged in this moment, but because I hadn’t given it space earlier.
Once I had an inkling of what it might be, I decided to let the emotion linger. To not really try to make it go away, but sit with it.
And that felt right.
You can explore the rest of the essays in the Library
Some feelings don't come with a receipt. They just show up. Heavy or tender or restless for no reason you can name. And the instinct is to trace it back to something. Why do I feel this. What happened. But sometimes nothing happened. Sometimes your body is processing something your conscious mind finished with weeks ago. Or maybe it never had a cause at all. Just your nervous system reminding you that you're human and humans feel things that don't fit into explanations. Not every emotion needs a source to be real. Some just need permission to pass through.
Beautiful!
Growth mindset.
As we grow we start becoming different people. Each phase of our life is a different person all together.
Maybe it’s nostalgia? For all that’s passed.